What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 02:30
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
What is the scariest thing that ever happened in your life?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
What can help me fall asleep at night?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When sharing a wife, is it best with your buddy or a stranger?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
Can you list every album you have ever listened to?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why do all the stupid people think Donald J. Trump is stupid?
All the time i was locked up.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It was going to be , some day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I think the readers, may guess!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who then, do I blame.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it wasn’t much.
Ive learnt so much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is soul school!.
She found it foreign!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I could never make a relationship work though!